


you are my earth, you are my sun

by koganewest



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Family Problems, Fluff, Happy, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Phan - Freeform, brief unrequited love?, but it gets resolved??, but there is some, cause i cant go a whole fic without any angst, conflict?, dan has ambiguous issues with his family, generally fluffy fic, sorry - Freeform, these tags are a mess lol, vday video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 21:18:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13579131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koganewest/pseuds/koganewest
Summary: dan's point of view on everything within the past eight years.





	you are my earth, you are my sun

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be fluff but i couldnt help but give a daily dose of angst
> 
> title from peach by the front bottoms

Dear Phil,

I remember it all. I remember the good, the bad, and everything in between. 

I remember our first conversation with each other. I remember feeling how every internet friendship felt, especially as the younger one in the mix. I remember looking up to you because you had more experience, trying to impress you, struggling to keep up. I remember thinking that being the younger friend sucked because I could never guess what you wanted, where you wanted to take us. 

I remember the first time you offered to skype me, and how nervous I was, and how excited. I remember wanting nothing more than to see you smile because of something I said, to finally live up to what I had wanted to be. I remember the thousands of hours spent on skype after that day, how each one would singlehandedly get me through the worst days.

I remember hearing you laugh and relishing in every sound, because I had incited it. I remember it all. 

I remember the day we met, when I’d nearly thrown up with nerves and excitement buzzing in the pit of my stomach. I remember the sound of your voice whispering in my ear as we hugged for the first time. I remember what you told me, how you wished we had gotten to meet sooner and that you hope I never had to leave.

I remember what we did after, the whole day spent in Manchester, and I can almost revisit that happiness by closing my eyes and picturing it. I remember laughing my obnoxious laugh in front of you – something I hadn’t done in ages. I remember being myself around you, and you doing the same with just as bright a smile.

I remember getting looks from people as we took so many ridiculous pictures for DailyBooth at the Apple Store. I remember the following ride on the Manchester Eye as the sun set, how I hesitantly kissed you as we reached the very top. I remember your brief confusion and my subsequent mortification – but it all dissolved away when you finally kissed back. I remember that, looking back, that kiss was the only one we shared for the next few years, but I’ll get to that.

I remember that day being the brightest day in England for a while, but that just might have been because I was blinded by everything about the boy standing in front of me. I remember it all. 

I remember the train ride back to my house, back to the place I used to consider home. I remember redefining the word home to link to you, because you were something promising, something I knew I’d grow to love. I remember smiling the whole ride back and getting odd looks from strangers as I scrolled through my camera roll and watched our day in stop motion frames. 

I remember the look on my mother’s face when she saw me after. I remember my dad yelling, pulling me into a long conversation about how reckless I was being, but I didn’t care. I remember most of all the knowledge in my brother’s eyes, like he knew a secret I didn’t. I remember brushing it off, but as I look back, I think he believed in us when the rest of my family didn’t. 

I remember crying into my pillow the night of my return, a mixture of happy nostalgia and gloomy despair until I could feel you again. I remember it all. 

I remember the time afterward not being so amazing. I remember feeling bits of that day when we Skyped, but nothing would compare. I remember planning my next trip. I remember trying to memorize your face, and your laugh, and your eyes in case we didn’t meet again for a while. I remember staying longer that time, with much convincing toward my parents to allow it. 

I remember the struggle to find myself. I remember getting accepted to university and going to law. I remember hours of tears and sobbing as I poured everything out to you. I remember being more concerned about pleasing my parents than myself. I remember your advice. I remember wishing you were with me, with your gentle touch and kind words. 

I remember days when you were quieter, less energetic, and I blamed myself for weighing you down. I remember it all. 

I remember that day I got really sick. I remember spending all day in a crazy amount of pain, and telling you about it, until I finally gave in to your advice. I remember how you insisted that you take me to the hospital so I wasn’t alone because you knew how much I’d hate sitting in A&E by myself. I remember you holding my hand in the waiting room and commenting on how cold I was and how much I was shaking. 

I remember when I got out of surgery, and your face being the first thing I saw. I remember you smiling weakly, with red rimmed eyes and pink cheeks like you had been upset. I remember asking if you were okay, and you telling me that you didn’t matter as long as I was. 

I remember the look of frustration on your face. I remember how you kept demanding the doctors did something so I wasn’t hurting. I remember when all the morphine started to kick in, but not much after that; I was too drugged up. 

I remember a little of that night though. I remember you holding my hand as I laid with my eyes closed since you probably thought I was asleep. I remember you kissing my forehead, whispering that you loved me. I remember that, but I’m not sure you know I do. I remember it all. 

I remember the day you asked me to move in with you. I remember beginning to look for flats in the Manchester rain. I remember leaning into you on the tube ride and pretending to fall asleep on your shoulder just to be closer to you. I remember what you said when I was sleeping, a quiet whisper of praise. I remember you saying I was the best thing that had happened to you. I remember thinking how you must know I thought the same of you, times a hundred. 

I remember when we found what would become our home together. I remember the joy in your eyes as you rambled about what would go where and created our days to come. I remember that funny feeling in my chest, that felt like I needed to run a marathon, throw up, and shout – all at the same time. I remember closing my eyes and inhaling the smell of you pressed to me and thinking this is what happiness feels like. 

I remember packing my stuff and calling my parents. I remember how it felt when my call was declined. I remember how it felt to be finally given up on. I remember thinking it didn’t matter, as long as I had you, but it still hurt.

I remember the moment you and I stepped foot in the flat when it was finally ours. I remember the start of my new life, which included you by my side. I remember knowing then that I loved you, but being too scared of changing things to admit it. I remember it all. 

I remember the beginning of our problems shortly after that. I remember walking into the lounge that morning and as soon as you saw me, you slammed your laptop shut. I remember you yelling before I even made a sound, “everything is fine, it’s okay, we’re alright.” I remember that a video leaked, a video I had never known you made, telling me you were in love with me. 

I remember opening my laptop to tumblr and seeing the problem for the first time. I remember clicking on the video with tears in my eyes. I remember watching it and everything finally fell into place. I remember realizing that I was in love with you, Philip Michael Lester. 

I remember the lie we told. I remember hating every single letter of it because it just defied everything I was. I remember wanting to tell you I felt the same, but not having the nerve to do it. I remember that we never discussed it, just left it an unspoken heartbreak weighing heavily between us. 

I remember when things began to calm down with our fans, but I also remember things speeding up for me. I remember when I dropped out of Uni, when I finally decided I had had enough. I remember my break down, and you being there for me. I remember saying I might go back and try again, but not believing a word that came out of my mouth. 

I remember you by my side every step of the way, though I wasn’t ever returning the favor. I remember loving you, but not being able to have you just because I was so cowardly. I remember it all. 

I remember when things got better, before they got worse again. I remember slowly regaining my confidence with our friendship only to watch it drain out. 

I remember when the video resurfaced. I remember us frantically trying to take it down, over and over again but it had already spread like wildfire. I remember feeling like I was losing you, and it was all my fault. 

I remember you saying we could get away from this, that maybe moving would help us obtain a new prospective on things. I remember agreeing reluctantly and looking you in the eye, your tearful bright blue eyes that I had inflicted pain upon. 

I remember picking our apartment together. I remember when we chose the Manchester flat and how exciting that had been, but this just felt forced. I remember moving our stuff into the new apartment in London, and thinking that maybe we could fix things, and I could tell you how I felt. I remember when that didn’t happen. 

I remember shying away from you. I remember every night we spent curled up in our beds, so close together in our apartment, but so far away in our hearts. I remember thinking our friendship was over. I remember it all. 

I remember when you confronted me about how I was acting. I remember you telling me that I shouldn’t care that people think of us that way. I remember pushing you back as you got close to me, and the pain on your face as your head hit the wall. I remember backing away, shaking my head like I was insane. 

I remember leaving that night. I remember walking back into our home after getting absolutely wasted at a nearby bar. I remember hearing you crying. I remember how you had previously told me that you drank hot chocolate when you were sad instead of coffee, because you didn’t want to be awake and unhappy, that it helped you feel warm inside when you weren’t, helped you sleep away your problems when your heart hurt. 

I remember walking slow in our kitchen to put together your hot cocoa and placing it outside your door. I remember knocking and walking away so you wouldn’t know it was me, although it was a stupid assumption considering no one else had a key to our apartment, but I was drunk and frustrated and just so utterly hopeless. 

I remember you being angry. I remember hearing your door creak open, footsteps quiet and uncertain, and then the sound of a ceramic mug hitting the wall and shattering. I remember you screaming to just leave you alone, that you didn’t deserve this. I remember you kicking my door and sobbing to _just move out already._

I remember thinking that was the worst night of my life. I remember it all. 

I remember searching for new apartments, to escape the madness we had created in our own home. I remember finding one that seemed affordable and thinking that a room would be perfect for you, but then remembering you wouldn’t be with me. 

I remember crying the whole night. I remember waking up the next day with a pounding headache and an equally aching heart, and a glass of hot chocolate on my nightstand with a note. I remember what it said: please don’t ever leave me, I didn’t mean it, I never could. 

I remember the night that things changed for us. I remember when we got the call that we had been given a show on BBC Radio 1. I remember it had been movie night, so we were on opposite sides of the couch as usual back then, and you got a phone call. I remember the person on the other end had asked for both of us, so I scooted closer to you but not close enough to touch. I remember how we both responded yes as quickly as we could. 

I remember when our eyes met and then it just felt right. I remember the look on your face. I remember our kiss wasn’t a cliché one, where we both shut our eyes and gently met our lips, because I had tackled you into a hug, something we hadn’t done nearly enough at the time, and just kissed you with everything I had. 

I remember the feeling of you kissing back, the sweetest, softest movements you’d ever made. I remember when you pulled back and looked me in the eyes and said that the Valentine’s Video wasn’t fake. I remember laughing lightly, airily, almost incredulously, and responding with the three words I’d been dying to say since I realized they were true. 

I remember saying I love you, and Phil, I always will. I remember it all. 

I remember slowly repairing what we had in the years to follow, gradually becoming more comfortable in myself and my relationship with you. I remember being more open online with being affectionate to you, though we never dared to come out. 

I remember all those sleepless nights when we were writing our book, how constantly on edge we both were.

I remember one particular night I had snapped at you and locked myself in my room for the night. I remember I had just been tense from writing about the story of my birth. I remember not telling you that I made up the responses that supposedly came from my mother; I hadn’t talked to her in ages and didn’t think she even knew we were in the process of writing a book.

I remember the guilt I felt as I unlocked the door to find you had fallen asleep on the floor outside my door, glasses askew, pen and paper near your right hand. I remember you stirred a bit as I picked you up – something I had grown accustomed to, thanks to your talent of falling asleep pretty much anywhere in our flat. I remember brushing your hair aside and kissing your forehead as I laid you in your bed, covering you with that famous duvet. 

I remember as I was walking out you made a soft noise and grabbed for where I normally was laid, so I decided to scoot next to you in the bed. I remember your eyes opened slowly as I whispered an apology, but you just pulled me to your chest and that’s when I finally fell apart from the stress and cried. I remember it all.

I remember the days we spent anticipating the release of the book and the tour and the celebratory glasses of wine that followed. I remember feeling on top of the world, and there was no one I’d rather spend those days with. I remember the days that followed on a tour bus, sneaking around so we could share a bed without being caught. I remember when you got sick while we toured America, how you fell asleep sitting upright against my side and I vlogged myself playing with your hair and waking you up. I remember cutting out the portion that you hid your face in my neck, whispering that you hate me, even though I knew you meant everything but that. I remember deciding then that I had to marry you.

I remember when we decided to move again, that we would stay in London, the city we had grown to love while loving each other; it was January of 2017 and I couldn’t be more happy. 

I remember the slight tinge of hurt I felt when you told me you wanted to rent again – I spent that whole night in my own bedroom with the door locked. I remember wondering why you didn’t want to buy a forever home with me, because that was what I wanted more than anything. I remember that sleepless night alone and waking up in the morning to you cooking a homemade breakfast for me. I remember you explaining that of course you wanted forever with me, that you just thought we should wait a few more years until our careers settled down so we could buy a proper house together. I remember how our make-up sex afterward had gotten interrupted by smoke alarms – we had forgotten about the eggs you were cooking.

I remember a few months later when I had forgotten to refill my antidepressants, how I spent the whole week we were supposed to be previewing new apartments in shambles. I remember you being there rubbing my back as I puked into the toilet. I remember you tirelessly calming me down after I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I remember you guiding me when I was in a state of confusion, picking me up repeatedly after I tripped over the carpet, over my shoes, over absolutely nothing. I remember you reassuring me through fits of anger and frustration as my body refused to accept the withdrawal. 

I remember you being there for me after countless takes of my Daniel and Depression video, making sure I was okay. I remember when I pressed the upload button, how you looked me in the eye and said you were proud of me. I remember believing it with my whole heart. I remember it all.

I remember at the end of that year, how you asked me if I wanted to stay with your parents for Christmas. I remember feeling more at home than I ever had; your parents welcomed me with open arms as if I had been their son just as long as you had. I remember Martyn teasing me, your dad cooking for me, your mom giving me and Cornelia a gift on the 24th of December, which had been a Lester Family Tradition. I remember feeling stupid for crying over it, and I can’t even recall what the gift had been, but it was just the fact that I was treated as part of the family that made me so overly emotional. 

I remember how that had been what convinced me to leave your parents house, as much as I \didn't want to, and see my parents. I remember your family had inspired to make amends with my own. I remember skyping you from my old bedroom, just like old times, and wishing, just as much as I had in the distant past, that you were by my side. I remember how, just like he had in 2009, my brother laughed at me for blushing whenever I talked about you.

I remember your smile being the sole purpose I had to get through the holiday because I just couldn’t wait to be back with you in our home. I remember it all.

I remember deciding to tour again, to do something that represented how we’ve grown as creators, as people. I remember the tweet I posted on your birthday, an indirect way of showing the fans that I was comfortable with them knowing what we were to each other. I remember countless gaming videos, excursions in foreign places on our world tour, and so much more that if I mentioned I would not have enough ink to write about.

I remember that I couldn’t wait until the internet fame settled down – not that I didn’t love it, because I did – but because that would mean the beginning of our future together. I remember staying awake on cold London nights, huddled together and imagining how our wedding might be, how we would be as parents. 

I remember the years to follow being filled with happiness. I remember, of course, there were bad days, but they didn’t - they _couldn’t_ \- outweigh the good days. 

The point is, Phil, that I remember the good, the bad, and everything in between. I remember it all. And I loved you throughout it all, whether I knew it or not. You are my saving grace, the light of my life, and you have always had my entire heart. 

Now it’s 2022, and I still love every piece of you. Make me the happiest man I can be, Philip Lester, marry me?”

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! it's lily and i used to be a part of the phandom and this is my resurrection! wrote this like 2 years ago and added to it lol  
> come say hi on tumblr @ calamityhowell and i'll love you forever!!  
> hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
